Chapter 532) How Deep Is Your Love

“I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch my hand in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again.
And you may not think I care for you
When you know down inside that I really do.
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest, darkest hour
You’re my savior when I fall
And it’s me you need to show.
How deep is your love.”

San Myshuno
Cameron & Cameron Law Firm

Stryker looked taken aback, staring at Sophie as if she had just told him the most outlandish news, even though it had been Nick talking, with Liam watching on in the background.

“How am I supposed to pay this? You all know I have no money.” Stryker protested, shocked.

“Yes, about that. You have something of value, which could likely satisfy most of the debt. I took the liberty to verify that with some people in the entertainment business who would be able to make such a call. Stryker, please understand this is business, nothing personal, the court ordered you to pay, and by now you are well in default. Sophie has been more than patient, you are lucky Sophie isn’t tacking on interest, which would be well within her rights. But we need the money now, so unfortunately we have to insist.” Nick told him.

“Insist all you like, but what of value do I have left, please? I can’t even sell my organs, it’s all broken inside of me, nothing is working as it should and probably never will again. There is literally nothing left in my life or body I haven’t destroyed. If you don’t believe me, ask Connor.” Stryker gestured over to the young doctor.

“The rights to your music, Stryker. If you find the right buyer, and play your cards well, the proceeds could come close to what Sophie is owed.” Nick informed him.

Stryker looked positively shocked, then his eyes grazed Sophie’s, who looked away, wiping a tear from her eye, causing Stryker to shrink in his seat, defeated.

“You live off the royalties, and you’d keep those, you’d just sell the rights of ownership of the songs and music you wrote. That could be used to re-record, maybe in a different genre, or even used for commercial purposes. But the royalties are yours, that won’t change unless agreed to in a contract.” Liam explained.

“But then everything is gone. Everything and everyone I ever cared about … I mean, what’s the point of me still being here then?” Stryker sounded defeated.

“Your kids, maybe? Remember those?” Sophie snapped at him.

“Of course I remember, but they don’t want to see me! You know I have tried. I keep asking Connor about it every time I see him, which is twice weekly or more if he can swing it, and he tells me it was a no-go every time. What do you want me to do, Soph? You said I can see the kids if they want to, but they don’t want to. I need a chance. One last chance. Please.” Stryker pleaded.

“Chance for what, Stryker? I have given you so many chances over the years. But you always ended up going back on your promises. I am not the type for drama and you caused me nothing but. For every good time we ever had, there has been a bad counterweight that almost undid it all. And this last time you dragged our poor kids into it. I tried everything I could to keep all that away from them, but I had no chance. I was trying to keep the Titanic from sinking using a paper cup. They know what you did. They don’t understand WHY you did it and neither do I, so I can’t explain. That’s where you could start. Explain everything to them, and if you still care at all, me too.” Sophie said passionately.

“What’s there to explain? I am a loser and I realized I had failed you. I didn’t just have writer’s block, I haven’t written a decent song in years, Soph. My career was over and I knew it, but you know me, I can’t do anything else. I have no degree, no skills, nothing. Just music. I panicked! I couldn’t get through a day without hating myself, just wanted to feel okay one time, just once without all the self-hatred, shame and guilt, so I slid back into the hole. I know I made mistakes. I know I should have found help, but I was so ashamed. And before I knew it, it was too late. That’s what addiction is, Sophie. I didn’t do this on purpose. Trust me, hurting you and the kids is the worse thing to me.” Stryker told his ex-wife.

“Okay, I get all that. I would probably even be able to forgive you, because you are an addict, but not Alycia. THAT part was too much. Why are you not living with her, I wonder? Since you keep going back to her.”

“I hate Alycia too and I hate me. I was desperate for a high, ran into her and she had some … stuff. She gave me some and … well … you can imagine the rest. I can’t remember anything I said or did, I don’t have any recollection of the court or lawyers or anything. Nothing. All just a big black hole in my mind. The only thing I faintly remember is you at my hotel door and I couldn’t react. I wanted to but my body didn’t.”

“Yeah. I won’t ever forget that either. Stryker, do you even realize what you cost me? Our children are so confused, they have trust issues, the three girls wake up crying at night, with nightmares about me leaving them too, Phoenix told you we had to work on bet wetting with Indie, and Spencer is so angry all the time. He’s nice to his younger siblings and me, but he gets into fights at school and all that all the time. I get complaint calls by parents or teachers on the daily. Spencer was always such a sweet, quiet kid, never got into trouble. And now, nothing but trouble.”

“Where do you live now?” Stryker blurted out.

“Wouldn’t you like to know? You see, if you had even wanted visitation with the kids, I’d have to tell you, but you gave all that up willingly, after Liam, Nick and I spent hours working up a schedule to offer you. You gave up your kids, Stryker. They are MY kids now, just mine. So, you don’t need to worry about where they live and most definitely not about where I live.”

“I wasn’t myself then, Sophie! I was dead inside. Is the money you want for a home?”

“The money is what she is owed, per court order, Stryker. That is all you need to know.” Nick interfered.

“No, he can know. I found a home. And we remodeled it for many months. I came home from work, tired and exhausted, but picked up scrapers or paint or whatever was needed to give my children a new home. You know how I could afford a place? I couldn’t. No bank would even look at my loan applications. So, my Aunt Vivien stepped in. You know how discouraging that was having to accept something I told her and Uncle Liam I never wanted? Well, I had seen this property and sweet home, but it was just steps from being condemned, needed a lot of work, it needed some remodeling to fit five kids, but it was so sweet, but way out of reach. I just casually mentioned it to her, showed her the pictures and next thing I knew was she had bought it outright. I didn’t want to accept it, but she said I can pay her back as I can spare the money. I live on someone else’s dime, paying back 50 or 100 bucks a month. On a HOUSE, Stryker. I’ll never pay that off. And Liam and Vivien know that.”

“It’s fine, Soph. You are my niece, not a stranger, and we can afford it. This is what family does. Even if we haven’t exactly been close before, we definitely are now, Stryker saw to that.” Liam’s tone became harder towards the end, so Connor interfered.

“Uncle Liam … please.” Connor pressed.

“Argh! Can’t get a fuckin’ word in now without my nephew, the good uncle doctor, cutting me off! Brat! Do you not realize what Stryker has done to Sophie and their kids?” Liam retorted, shaking his head.

“Do you not realize that as a doctor I swear a certain oath I like to uphold, meaning I am here to assure Stryker’s wellbeing. His personal life is none of my business, but his health is and I take that just as serious as you do the legal side, Uncle.”

Liam groaned, Connor blew out air, so Sophie took over again, addressing Stryker.

“The money is for a property lease, Stryker. I am overqualified for the job I have now, I know it, they know it, and it is painful for everyone. Plus, the schedule sucks. I need to be able to control it, I want to build something that is mine, it’s a risk, but maybe for once in my life I want to be the one causing my downfall, rather than you. But I need starting capital for it, I will not have Aunt Viv and Uncle Liam pay for everything like a leech. And you owe me.”

Stryker looked sad, then nodded.

“Where do I sign?” he said, defeated.

Once the paperwork was handled, Stryker was about to leave, when Sophie put a hand on Connor’s arm.

“Can we get a moment in private?” she asked him.

He looked at Stryker, then Sophie and nodded, before stepping away quickly.

“You look great, Stryker. The tan suits you and you have filled out a little. And you sound great.” she said.

“I don’t sound great, but at least I can sound at all again. And thank you. Yeah, that tan, that is being outdoors most of the day in the good country air, lifting heavy things all day long and a lot of time on horseback. I ride now, Sophie, can you imagine?”

Smiling, she shook her head, then tilted it.

“What?” he asked, smiling confused.

“Nothing. Just wondering how it is that you did all those things to me, and yet, standing here, looking at you, those butterflies are still there.” she said.

He smiled.

“Soph, I have changed. This time for real. I promise I can do it this time. Please … just one last chance. Baby, please.”

“I am not your baby anymore, Stryker. That ended when you took the wood to Alycia again. If it were just the drugs, I would probably consider giving in, cos I miss you a lot. But knowing you were with her … again … it’s too much. Gross!” Sophie grimaced.

“Trust me, there wasn’t much wood to take anywhere at that stage you saw me, more an overcooked noodle, and I doubt that will ever change again without me having to pop some blue pills like an old man, but that’s beside the point. Can we talk about all that though, how things happened, and I’ll try my best to explain even though most of it just won’t ever make sense? Like how Alycia was never about sex, but about punishing myself for failing you. I didn’t go back to her because I wanted her. She’s the last thing I want. I did it because I knew she would kill me this time. Unintentionally probably, but very slowly and painfully, I felt like this was how I deserved to go.”

“Stryker! That is psycho-talk!”

“When I do drugs, Soph, that’s what I become. A total psycho. That’s why I had to leave you and the kids. I was in the hole; I knew I couldn’t get out on my own again. And I couldn’t sit there and see the disdain and disappointment in your face if I told you I failed AGAIN. I thought it was too late anyway. I didn’t think I could be saved anymore. All I could do now was make sure I don’t take you with me, since I already failed you, even though I promised you I wouldn’t … make you hate me and blame me and never blame yourself for us failing.”

“I did that anyway, and still do. You know me, Stryker. I am who I am. I am flawed too, which is why I forgave you so much.”

He nodded, sadly.

“But at least the butterflies are still there …” he smiled, equally sad.

“Everything is still there, Stryker. This has nothing to do with me loving you or not. I couldn’t stop loving you if I wanted to. But I can’t lose you over and over again.”

“I love you too, Soph. Only ever you. I didn’t know what love felt like until I met you, that’s why all the other women in my life were always so disposable, except one, who hooked me with drugs, but I never loved her. Or any other woman but you. I literally didn’t know what I was feeling after I met you, thought it was just one of the best highs after the high I have ever had, then I saw you a second time and that feeling was back, it felt so good, addictive, so I kept coming back to you to feel it again, and I didn’t know why. And then you made me the last thing I ever wanted to be. A father. And you made me love that too. Jackson told me that you must see good in me to want to have 5 kids with me. Wonder what you see now.”

“A shadow of the man I love. You really have changed Stryker. I can tell. I am just not sure if I like the new Stryker or not.”

“I think you would like him a lot. I personally like him, and I never really liked me before. You were always the best part of me, Soph, you and the kids. I have a new sense of clarity now, Jackson and his native friends really have a very different approach to look at life, maybe if I would have met him 10 years ago, that rehab would have even taken. Then again, he would have been 9 years old then … yikes.”

“What you just said to me made all the difference. Okay, if you want, I’ll invite you to my new home, so you can see where and how our kids now live. And you can visit more often, if you want. But beware, it is a house I remodeled with a lot of help from my sister Emmy, we are both hopeless romantics, so you know to expect whimsy.”

“Yes. YES! Soph, thank you. Can I … maybe … kiss you?”

“Don’t push it. But at least the butterflies are still there, right?”

“And all the other stuff?” Stryker smiled, repeating her words from earlier.

Sophie smiled, then quickly stepped forward, grabbing Stryker’s face and kissing him, hard and intensely.

When she pulled away, Stryker looked completely shocked and surprised.
Wiping her lips quickly, Sophie smiled at him, winked and as she started to walk off she said bending near his ear

“Yup, everything else is still there too …”

Connor looked even more surprised when he came over after seeing Sophie left to find Stryker smiling, a genuine happy smile.

A man who just signed away the rights to his life’s work to pay off some of the debt he owed the woman he had lost.
But he was smiling.
Because unbeknownst to Connor, Stryker just got back something he had lost.

Hope.